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ENDWICH BANK 1 Stallion Square
London W1 3HW
Ms. Rebecca BloomwoodFlat 463 Jarvis RoadBristol BS1 0DN 6 July 1997 Dear Ms. Bloomwood: Congratulations! As a recent graduate of Bristol University you are undoubtedly proud of your performance.We at Endwich are also proud of our performance as a flexible, caring bank with accounts to suit everyone. We pride ourselves particularly in our farsighted approach when it comes to customers of a caliber such as yours.We are therefore offering you, Ms. Bloomwood — as a graduate — a free extended overdraft facility of £2,000 during the first two years of your career. Should you decide to open an account with Endwich, this facility will be available immediately.* I do hope you decide to take advantage of this unique offer and look forward to receiving your completed form.Once again, congratulations!Yours sincerely,Nigel FairsGraduate Marketing Manager (subject to status)ENDWICH — BECAUSE WE CARE

ENDWICH BANK
FULHAM BRANCH 3 Fulham Road
London SW6 9JH
Ms. Rebecca BloomwoodFlat 24 Burney Rd.London SW6 8FD 10 September 1999 Dear Ms. Bloomwood: Further to my letters of 3 May, 29 July, and 14 August, you will be aware that your free graduate overdraft facility is due to end on 19 September 1999. You will also be aware that you have substantially exceeded the agreed limit of £2,000.The current balance stands at a debit of £3,794.56.Perhaps you would be kind enough to telephone my assistant, Erica Parnell, at the above number to arrange a meeting concerning this matter.Yours sincerely,Derek SmeathManagerENDWICH — BECAUSE WE CARE

One

OK. DON’T PANIC. DON’T panic. It’s only a VISA bill. It’s a piece of paper; a few numbers. I mean, just how scary can a few numbers be?
I stare out of the office window at a bus driving down Oxford Street, willing myself to open the white envelope sitting on my cluttered desk. It’s only a piece of paper, I tell myself for the thousandth time. And I’m not stupid, am I? I know exactly how much this VISA bill will be.
Sort of. Roughly.
It’ll be about. . £200. Three hundred, maybe. Yes, maybe £300. Three-fifty, max.
I casually close my eyes and start to tot up. There was that suit in Jigsaw. And there was dinner with Suze at Quaglinos. And there was that gorgeous red and yellow rug. The rug was £200, come to think of it. But it was definitely worth every penny — everyone’s admired it. Or, at least, Suze has.
And the Jigsaw suit was on sale—30 percent off. So that was actually saving money.

But when I eventually pull the bill out of the envelope — goaded by Clare’s curious gaze — my smile falters, then disappears. Something hot is blocking my throat. I think it could be panic.
The page is black with type. A series of familiar names rushes past my eyes like a mini shopping mall. I try to take them in, but they’re moving too fast. Thorntons, I manage to glimpse. Thorntons Chocolates? What was I doing in Thorntons Chocolates? I’m supposed to be on a diet. This bill can’t be right. This can’t be me. I can’t possibly have spent all this money.
Don’t panic! I yell internally. The key is not to panic. Just read each entry slowly, one by one. I take a deep breath and force myself to focus calmly, starting at the top. WH Smith (well, that’s OK. Everyone needs stationery.)Boots (everyone needs shampoo)Specsavers (essential)Oddbins (bottle of wine — essential)Our Price (Our Price? Oh yes. The new Charlatans album. Well, I had to have that, didn’t I?)Bella Pasta (supper with Caitlin)Oddbins (bottle of wine — essential)Esso (petrol doesn’t count)Quaglinos (expensive — but it was a one-off)Pret à Manger (that time I ran out of cash)Oddbins (bottle of wine — essential)Rugs to Riches (what? Oh yes. Stupid rug.)La Senza (sexy underwear for date with James)Agent Provocateur (even sexier underwear for date with James. Like I needed it.)Body Shop (that skin brusher thing which I must use)Next (fairly boring white shirt — but it was in the sale)Millets. .
I stop in my tracks. Millets? I never go into Millets. What would I be doing in Millets? I stare at the statement in puzzlement, wrinkling my brow and trying to think — and then suddenly, the truth dawns on me. It’s obvious. Someone else has been using my card.
Oh my God. I, Rebecca Bloomwood, have been the victim of a crime.
Now it all makes sense. Some criminal’s pinched my credit card and forged my signature. Who knows where else they’ve used it? No wonder my statement’s so black with figures! Someone’s gone on a spending spree round London with my card — and they thought they would just get away with it.
But how? I scrabble in my bag for my purse, open it — and there’s my VISA card, staring up at me. I take it out and run my fingers over the glossy surface. Someone must have pinched it from my purse, used it — and then put it back. It must be someone I know. Oh my God. Who?
I look suspiciously round the office. Whoever it is, isn’t very bright. Using my card at Millets! It’s almost laughable. As if I’d ever shop there.

I can vividly remember fishing out the four £5 notes and carefully putting them in my wallet, sorting out the pound coins and putting them in my coin compartment, and pouring the rest of the change into the bottom of my bag. Oh good, I remember thinking. I won’t have to go to the cash machine. I’d thought that sixty quid would last me for weeks.
So what happened to it? I can’t have just spent sixty quid without realizing it, can I?
“Why are you asking, anyway?” says Clare, and she leans forward. I can see her beady little X-ray eyes gleaming behind her specs. She knows I’m looking at my VISA bill. “No reason,” I say, briskly turning to the second page of my statement.
But I’ve been put off my stride. Instead of doing what I normally do — look at the minimum payment required and ignore the total completely — I find myself staring straight at the bottom figure.
Nine hundred and forty-nine pounds, sixty-three pence. In clear black and white.
For thirty seconds I am completely motionless. Then, without changing expression, I stuff the bill back into the envelope. I honestly feel as though this piece of paper has nothing to do with me. Perhaps, if I carelessly let it drop down on the floor behind my computer, it will disappear. The cleaners will sweep it up and I can claim I never got it. They can’t charge me for a bill I never received, can they?
I’m already composing a letter in my head. “Dear Managing Director of VISA. Your letter has confused me. What bill are you talking about, precisely? I never received any bill from your company. I did not care for your tone and should warn you, I am writing to Anne Robinson of Watchdog.”
Or I could always move abroad.

Two

THERE’S JUST ONE ESSENTIAL purchase I have to make on the way to the press conference — and that’s the Financial Times. The FT is by far the best accessory a girl can have. Its major advantages are: 1. It’s a nice color.2. It only costs eighty-five pence.3. If you walk into a room with it tucked under your arm, people take you seriously. With an FT under your arm, you can talk about the most frivolous things in the world, and instead of thinking you’re an airhead, people think you’re a heavyweight intellectual who has broader interests, too.
At my interview for Successful Saving, I went in holding copies of the Financial Times and the Investor’s Chronicle — and I didn’t get asked about finance once. As I remember it, we spent the whole time talking about holiday villas and gossiping about other editors.
So I stop at a newsstand and buy a copy of the FT. There’s some huge headline about Rutland Bank on the front page, and I’m thinking maybe I should at least skim it, when I catch my reflection in the window of Denny and George.
I don’t look bad, I think. I’m wearing my black skirt from French Connection, and a plain white T-shirt from Knickerbox, and a little angora cardigan which I got from M&S but looks like it might be Agnès b. And my new square-toed shoes from Hobbs. Even better, although no one can see them, I know that underneath I’m wearing my gorgeous new matching knickers and bra with embroidered yellow rosebuds. They’re the best bit of my entire outfit. In fact, I almost wish I could be run over so that the world would see them.
It’s a habit of mine, itemizing all the clothes I’m wearing, as though for a fashion page. I’ve been doing it for years — ever since I used to read Just Seventeen. Every issue, they’d stop a girl on the street, take a picture of her, and list all her clothes. “T-Shirt: Chelsea Girl, Jeans: Top Shop, Shoes: borrowed from friend.” I used to read those lists avidly, and to this day, if I buy something from a shop that’s a bit uncool, I cut the label out. So that if I’m ever stopped in the street, I can pretend I don’t know where it’s from.
So anyway. There I am, with the FT tucked under my arm, thinking I look pretty good, and half wishing someone from Just Seventeen would pop up with a camera — when suddenly my eyes focus and snap to attention, and my heart stops. In the window of Denny and George is a discreet sign. It’s dark green with cream lettering, and it says: sale.

I swallow, take a couple of steps forward, then push open the door of the tiny shop. The door pings, and the nice blond girl who works there looks up. I don’t know her name but I’ve always liked her. Unlike some snotty cows in clothes shops, she doesn’t mind if you stand for ages staring at clothes you really can’t afford to buy. Usually what happens is, I spend half an hour lusting after scarves in Denny and George, then go off to Accessorize and buy something to cheer myself up. I’ve got a whole drawerful of Denny and George substitutes.
“Hi,” I say, trying to stay calm. “You’re. . you’re having a sale.”
“Yes.” The blond girl smiles. “Bit unusual for us.”
My eyes sweep the room. I can see rows of scarves, neatly folded, with dark green “50 percent off” signs above them. Printed velvet, beaded silk, embroidered cashmere, all with the distinctive “Denny and George” signature. They’re everywhere. I don’t know where to start. I think I’m having a panic attack.
“You always liked this one, I think,” says the nice blond girl, taking out a shimmering gray-blue scarf from the pile in front of her.
Oh God, yes. I remember this one. It’s made of silky velvet, overprinted in a paler blue and dotted with iridescent beads. As I stare at it, I can feel little invisible strings, silently tugging me toward it. I have to touch it. I have to wear it. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The girl looks at the label. “Reduced from £340 to £120.” She comes and drapes the scarf around my neck and I gape at my reflection.
There is no question. I have to have this scarf. I have to have it. It makes my eyes look bigger, it makes my haircut look more expensive, it makes me look like a different person. I’ll be able to wear it with everything. People will refer to me as the Girl in the Denny and George Scarf.
“I’d snap it up if I were you.” The girl smiles at me. “There’s only one of these left.”

As I arrive at Brandon Communications, I can feel myself begin to relax. I do have three whole hours, after all. And my scarf is safely behind the counter. No one’s going to steal it from me.
There’s a sign up in the foyer saying that the Foreland Exotic Opportunities press conference is happening in the Artemis Suite, and a man in uniform is directing everybody down the corridor. This means it must be quite big. Not television-cameras-CNN-world’s-press-on-tenterhooks big, obviously. But fairly-good-turnout big. A relatively important event in our dull little world.
As I enter the room, there’s already a buzz of people milling around, and waitresses circulating with canapés. The journalists are knocking back the champagne as if they’ve never seen it before; the PR girls are looking supercilious and sipping water. A waiter offers me a glass of champagne and I take two. One for now, one to put under my chair for the boring bits.
In the far corner of the room I can see Elly Granger from Investor’s Weekly News. She’s been pinned into a corner by two earnest men in suits and is nodding at them, with a glassy look in her eye. Elly’s great. She’s only been on Investor’s Weekly News for six months, and already she’s applied for forty-three other jobs. What she really wants to be is a beauty editor on a magazine, and I think she’d be really good at it. Every time I see her, she’s got a new lipstick on — and she always wears really interesting clothes. Like today, she’s wearing an orange chiffony shirt over a pair of white cotton trousers, espadrilles, and a big wooden necklace, the kind I could never wear in a million years.
What I really want to be is Fiona Phillips on GMTV. I could really see myself, sitting on that sofa, joshing with Eamonn every morning and interviewing lots of soap stars. Sometimes, when we’re very drunk, we make pacts that if we’re not somewhere more exciting in three months, we’ll both leave our jobs. But then the thought of no money — even for a month — is almost more scary than the thought of writing about depository trust companies for the rest of my life.
“Rebecca. Glad you could make it.”
I look up, and almost choke on my champagne. It’s Luke Brandon, head honcho of Brandon Communications, staring straight at me as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. Staring straight down at me, I should say. He must be well over six feet tall with dark hair and dark eyes and. . wow. Isn’t that suit nice? An expensive suit like that almost makes you want to be a man. It’s inky blue with a faint purple stripe, single-breasted, with proper horn buttons. As I run my eyes over it I find myself wondering if it’s by Oswald Boateng, and whether the jacket’s got a silk lining in some stunning color. If this were someone else, I might ask — but not Luke Brandon, no way.
I’ve only met him a few times, and I’ve always felt slightly uneasy around him. For a start, he’s got such a scary reputation. Everyone talks all the time about what a genius he is, even Philip, my boss. He started Brandon Communications from nothing, and now it’s the biggest financial PR company in London. A few months ago he was listed in The Mail as one of the cleverest entrepreneurs of his generation. It said his IQ was phenomenally high and he had a photographic memory.

As the press conference is about to start, Elly and I sidle toward the back and grab two seats together. We’re in one of the bigger conference rooms and there must be about a hundred chairs arranged in rows, facing a podium and a large screen. I open my notebook, write “Brandon Communications” at the top of the page, and start doodling swirly flowers down the side. Beside me, Elly’s dialing her telephone horoscope on her mobile phone.
I take a sip of champagne, lean back, and prepare to relax. There’s no point listening at press conferences. The information’s always in the press pack, and you can work out what they were talking about later. In fact, I’m wondering whether anyone would notice if I took out a pot of Hard Candy and did my nails, when suddenly the awful Alicia ducks her head down to mine.
“Rebecca?”
“Yes?” I say lazily.
“Phone call for you. It’s your editor.”
“Philip?” I say stupidly. As though I’ve a whole array of editors to choose from.
“Yes.” She looks at me as though I’m a moron and gestures to a phone on a table at the back. Elly gives me a questioning look and I shrug back. Philip’s never phoned me at a press conference before.
I feel rather excited and important as I walk to the back of the room. Perhaps there’s an emergency at the office. Perhaps he’s scooped an incredible story and wants me to fly to New York to follow up a lead.

I sit back down, just as the lights dim and the words Far Eastern Opportunities appear on the screen in front of us. There is a colorful series of pictures from Hong Kong, Thailand, and other exotic places, which would usually have me thinking wistfully about going on holiday. But today I can’t relax, or even feel sorry for the new girl from Portfolio Week, who’s frantically trying to write everything down and will probably ask five questions because she thinks she should. I’m too concerned about my scarf. What if I don’t make it back in time? What if someone puts in a higher offer? The very thought makes me panic.
Then, just as the pictures of Thailand disappear and the boring graphs begin, I have a flash of inspiration. Of course! I’ll pay cash for the scarf. No one can argue with cash. I can get £100 out on my cash card, so all I need is another £20, and the scarf is mine.
I tear a piece of paper out of my notebook, write on it “Can you lend me twenty quid?” and pass it to Elly, who’s still surreptitiously listening to her mobile phone. I wonder what she’s listening to. It can’t still be her horoscope, surely? She looks down, shakes her head, and writes, “No can do. Bloody machine swallowed my card. Living off luncheon vouchers at moment.”
Damn. I hesitate, then write, “What about credit card? I’ll pay you back, honest. And what are you listening to?”
I pass the page to her and suddenly the lights go up. The presentation has ended and I didn’t hear a word of it. People shift around on their seats and a PR girl starts handing out glossy brochures. Elly finishes her call and grins at me.
“Love life prediction,” she says, tapping in another number. “It’s really accurate stuff.”
“Load of old bullshit, more like.” I shake my head disapprovingly. “I can’t believe you go for all that rubbish. Call yourself a financial journalist?”
“No,” says Elly. “Do you?” And we both start to giggle, until some old bag from one of the nationals turns round and gives us an angry glare.

As Alicia carries on speaking, I lean toward Elly.
“So, listen,” I whisper. “Can I borrow your credit card?”
“All used up,” hisses Elly apologetically. “I’m up to my limit. Why do you think I’m living off LVs?”
“But I need money!” I whisper. “I’m desperate! I need twenty quid!”
I’ve spoken more loudly than I intended and Alicia stops speaking.
“Perhaps you should have invested with Foreland Investments, Rebecca,” says Alicia, and another titter goes round the room. A few faces turn round to gawk at me, and I stare back at them lividly. They’re fellow journalists, for God’s sake. They should be on my side. National Union of Journalists solidarity and all that.
Not that I’ve ever actually got round to joining the NUJ. But still.
“What do you need twenty quid for?” says Luke Brandon, from the front of the room.

Your Name

yr name is so great
i make the mistake
of making it known
so others can moan
oh ronnie oh oh oh ronnie
oh ronnie oh oh oh ronnie