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I was born in the town of Paisley in early 1960
And placed in the care of an old eternal bachelor
A strict disciplinarian, a passionate antiquarian
His collection of myths and legends was spectacular

As a younger man he'd been to see Japan
Where a master in a white kimono taught him
In a shining moment the myth of the bishonen

I was created in the fleshpots of Araby
My mother was the Emperor's secretary
My father, a notorious libertine
Escaped from Sodom and Gomorrah, the cities of the plain
You can read my family's rise and fall in Gibbon
I was born to be adored by women

Well Seth begat Clem and then Clem begat Ruth

What is the cultural meaning of coming in a girl's mouth?
Do I wish to feed her or fill her mouth with filth?
Is it just to test whether she accepts my messiest mess
Or simply paint a funny milk moustache across her face?

Or is there in this thrilling ritual something messianic
Some sort of baptism by sperm?
Like my cock is John the Baptist saying

Over the room you are my puzzling creature
Through the smoke of the room
My dark and delicate creature

The sensuous way that your hair
Curves round the cusp of your ear
Is something complicated
So complicated for me

I'd like to thank everyone
I have ever slept with
This award I've won
Is really yours
You helped with my career
Eight or nine a year
To me you're the real rising British stars

When you caress your little cat
And stroke me with your hand
I know I'm just a kitten but
I long to be a man
My little eyes are Chinese blue
They view with some regret
This girl who's stroking me
Regards me only as her pet

In the sanatorium
I've booked a private room
Where you can feel at home
Where we can be alone
Just you, the nurse and me
In mountain scenery

All the time that you've been ill

When the fashion's to be friendly
When the fashion's to be wild
It's important to be trendy
Shake your body like a child

Have you been to see The Sandals
Have you been to see The Goats?
They do trippy gigs with candles

He has come to bring you things that make you happy
A gigantic puppy made of living flowers
A balloon dog like a helium Brancusi
Baroque and Rococo, Louis Quattorze

Basketballs suspended in Bavaria
Usher in a fat contented pig
Whose every hair is hand-carved by Italian master-craftsmen

Momus -
"London 1888"

[ from the album "20 Vodka Jellies" (1996) ]
Lyrics

Cellophane grandfather clock
I hope your hands will never stop

Once upon a time there was a man called Saul
Who persecuted Christians until he saw
The work was bearing fruit for the Christians
So the man changed his opinions and his Christian name to Paul

And he wrote important chapters in the Bible
But the blood on his writing hand reeked to high heaven
And Paul resolved to die

I've got a pervert doppelganger
He came from over the sea
He hangs around doing sexual crimes
And the blame is getting pinned on me
The blame is getting pinned on me

Whenever that pervert shows his face
My friends all think he's me

Leopards prowl the studios of the Duc de Berry's great chateau
Where Cocteau's beast rehearses Beauty's rape
Lewis Carroll marks his diary with a small white stone
As Kuniyoshi Kaneko prepares to paint

Listen to the shells my darling, what you hear is not the sea
But whispering, malicious human hearts
Adults who don't wish to know the Duc de Berry's great chateau

Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out
The full cost of the wrongs I have done you
And I'm sending the money to you
The cheque's in the post

For giving you hell
When I should have been treating you well
Reparation: five hundred five pound notes in a roll

She was seeing two at exactly the same time
She never mentioned you when she was round at mine
But when you were round at hers you always made a scene
'Cause you only had ears for descriptions of the stranger she was seeing

And what she saw in me was only what attracts
The many girls I see behind their lovers' backs
But what she saw in you, I could never work it out

Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake baker's man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can
If you can't bake a cake, bake a crepe or a flan
And bring it to my wedding with The Man

Patati, patata, pataphysique
They say the king of England has a real mean streak
His first six wives had their heads chopped off