George Carlin все тексты (слова) песен, переводы, видео, клипы

I'm a modern man...

I'm a modern man
A man for the millennium
Digital and smoke free

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect

Uh, people always want to know how you get started...on this job. I guess they ask musicians too...and actors and everything, but, uh, they always want to know how you got started. They say, "How'd you get started?" They say to you, "Did you always want to be a comedian?" Well, not in the womb, but right after that, yes, I did. Sure.

But class clown is when you really do get a chance to kind of ...work out, y'know. 'Cause the classroom's the best place. Classroom's best because...well, no one's allowed to laugh there. And suppressed laughter, y'know, is they easiest to get, the most fun. Y'know, like when you're kneelin' in front of a casket- 'CHORTLE!' ...during the sermon, whatever it is and in the classroom. Class clown always sounds like there was only one of 'em, y'know, sounds like "the class clown" but that's not true, really. There was, y'know, quite often there were two or three or four of 'em. Mmm. Sometimes you'd have a whole classroom full of 'em, man. If the main guy was absent, second banana would fill in, right? And the class clown wasn't really so unique. Y'know, he didn't necessarily do things that were real different. It was just..he learned things first. He discovered things first and passed them on to the other guys, right? The class clown was the first to discover a lot of musical things. He was the first one to get into Hawaiian nose humming, right? ('Hawaiian nose humming' sounds) Well, if you're gonna play, play, y'know? And then, uh, playing 'head' (raps fist on head with mouth open) You had to be a little 'masso' for that anyway, man, y'know? That and throat (taps throat with mouth open) Aah. Found out later in life that the beard acts as a mute for soft passages, right? Well, anyway.

Class clown was the first guy to discover this- usually in gym class, right? ('arm fart' sounds) Yeah, the old artificial fart under the arm. Or as we called it in New York, (with heavy New York accent:) "The awtificial fawt undah the awm!" There were a lot of ways to make the fart sound when you were a kid. Remember, you had this one, too (makes different fart sound) Then, in the crook of your arm (another one) It was an important sound, y'know? I gues..we found so many ways to make it, y'know? I didn't need any of those fancy ones, 'cause I could (makes 'regular' mouth fart noises) I was into the bi-labial fricative, y'know? I was so glad when I found out that had a real official name to it, man. Bronx cheer and raspberry never made it for me. Bi-labial fricative- (makes more fart noises, then guy in crowd shouts, "Do one from the back!") Do one from the back? It would probably be an SBD today, man. Remember that? "Silent But Deadly, wow.

It's true. Most of the time in class I was tempted to..fool around, man. Get someone's..that's what it was, yeah. You'd be bored and you'd figure, "Well, why not deprive someone else of their education." And you would set about disrupting the class by...ATTRACTING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! That is the name of this job, y'know? It's called "Dig me." It's like, "Hey guys, didn't make the team, but- BBBBBBLLLLLAH! They'd say, "Hey, he's crazy, man. Hey, ya wanna go to a party, wow." Yeah, you went to all the parties. Got the last girl, but you went to all the parties, man. BBBBLAH!

Once a week, Father Russell would come in for "Heavy Mystery" time. And you'd save all your weird questions for Father Russell. In fact, you'd make up strange questions. You'd take a whole week thinking up trick questions for Father Russell. "Hey, hey, hey Father! Hey, uh, if God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big that he himself can't lift it? HA, HA, HEEEEEY! WE GOT HIM NOW! AH, HA, HA!" Or else you'd take a very simple sin and surround it with the most bizarre circumstances you could imagine...to try to, y'know, relieve the guilt in the sin. We'd usually end up with the, uh, statement, "Would that then be a sin then, Father?"

Like, here, this is an example. There was one sin- not receiving communion during Easter time. You had to perform your "Easter duty". You had to receive once between Ash Wednesday and Pentecost Sunday and if you didn't do it, it was a mortal sin. Provided, of course, you had said to yourself, "Hey, I'm not gonna do it this year!" And, uh, there weren't many mortal sins on that, but a lot of guys went to Venial(?) City on Easter duty and so you would ask the priest y'know, you'd..."Hey, Father, hey, uh.." Remember guys would leave their hand up after they got called on, right? And the priest would say, "What are you, the Statue of Liberty, Dunn?" "Oh, sorry Father. Anyways, Father. Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty...and it's Pentecost Sunday...the last day...and you're on a ship at sea...and the chaplain goes into a coma...but you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late...but then you cross the International Date Line!" "Yes, I'm sure God will take that into account. Sit down, Woozie."

I used to be Irish Catholic- now I'm an American. Y'know, you grow....yeah. I was from one of those Irish neighborhoods in New York. One of those kind of parish schools. Wasn't typical. It was, Corpus Christi was the name of it. Could have been any Catholic church, right? "Our Lady of Great Agony" ..."St. Rita Moreno" ..."Our Lady of Perpetual Motion"- What's the difference what you call it? The church part and the neighborhood part were typical but the school was not. It wasn't one of those old fashioned parish kinda prison schools with a lot of corporal punishment and Sister Mary Discipline with the steel ruler, right? (SMACK!) OOOWWWWW! MY HAND! AAAAUGGH! And you'd fall two years behind in penmanship, right? "Well, he's behind in penmanship, Mrs. Carlin. I don't know why." He's crippled. He's trying to learn to write with his left hand.

We didn't have that. We got..somehow we got lucky, y'know. Got into a school where the pastor was kinda into John Dewey and progressive education and he talked the parish...talked the diocese, rather, into, uh, experimenting in our parish with progressive education and whipping the religion on us anyway and see what would happen with the two of them there. And uh, worked out kinda nice; there was a lot of classroom freedom. There was no..for instance, there were no grades or marks, y'know, no report cards to sweat out or any of that. There were no uniforms. There were no...there was no sexual segregation; boy and girls together. And the desks weren't all nailed down in a row, y'know. There were movable desks and you had new friends every month. It was nice; like I say, a lot of classroom freedom...in fact there was so much freedom that by eighth grade, many of us had lost the faith. 'Cause they made questioners out of us and, uh, they really didn't have any answers, y'know. They'd fall back on, "Well, it's a mystery." "Oh, thank you, Father. I dunno. What's he talkin' about? Mystery."

I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus?

JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back.

I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back?

JC: Mostly nostalgia.

Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali-
It's a nice musical name...Muhammad Ali.

He's back at work again; he's being allowed to work once again, Muhammad Ali. He wasn't for awhile, as you know. For about three and a half years, they didn't let him work. 'Course he had an unusual job, beating people up. It's a strange calling, y'know? But it's one you're entitled to. Government didn't see it that way. Government wanted him to change jobs. Government wanted him to kill people. He said, "No, that's where I draw the line. I'll beat 'em up, but I don't wanna kill 'em." And the government said, "Well, if you won't kill 'em, we won't let you beat 'em up! Ah, ha, ha, ha."

It was a spiteful move, y'know. All because he didn't want to go to Vietnam. And now, of course, we're leaving Vietnam...(makes explosion sound) We're leaving through Laos, Cambodia and Thailand. It's the overland route. It's the long way out. Ya gotta go through China and Russia to get out that way. What'll we tell them, man? "We'll only be here six weeks. Just looking for the Ho Chi Minh Trail!" Wow. Maybe they'll buy it, y'know. Of course, you have to remember why we're over there in the first place...(pause, then applause) Oh, yeah! It always comes to me. To free those people...So they can have industry- yeah! US industry- YEAH! Those are the middle two letters of the word 'industry'..US. And that is our job around the world. Run in, free some people and whip a little industry on them. "Here's your industry. Cool it awhile, willya?" So that they can have the benefits of industry that we have come to enjoy...COUGH!

(sings)

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman. ‘Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story.
Holy Shit!

Часто можно услышать такое выражение - "святость жизни". Вы в это верите? Лично я считаю, что это херня. Жизнь священна? Кто сказал? Бог? Но если посмотреть на историю, выяснится, что бог - одна из главных причин смерти. Так было тысячи лет. Индуисты, мусульмане, иудеи, христиане по очереди мочат друг дружку, потому что бог сказал им, что это неплохая идея. "Меч господень", "кровь агнца", "мне отмщение, аз воздам". Миллионы трупов. И все потому, что они дали неправильный ответ на вопрос о боге.
"- Веришь в бога? - Нет" - бах! Мертвец. "- Веришь в бога? - Да. - В моего бога? - Нет" - бах! Покойник. "У моего бога хуй больше, чем у твоего!"
И все самые жестокие, самые кровавые войны основаны на религиозной розни. Хотя лично я не против. Каждый раз когда святоши начинают убивать друг друга, я только за! Просто не надо тогда мне впаривать эту херню про святость жизни.
Даже если и есть что-то подобное, бог тут ни при чем. Знаете, откуда взялась эта святость жизни? Мы ее придумали. Почему? Да потому что мы живые. Личная заинтересованность. Живые люди кровно заинтересованы в продвижении убеждения, будто жизнь священна. Эбботт и Костелло с этой идеей не носятся. Муссолини на эту тему тоже не особо распространяется. Что там слышно от Джона Кеннеди на этот счет? Ни хрена. Кеннеди, Муссолини и Эбботт с Костелло мертвы. А мертвым насрать на святость жизни. Только живые о ней пекутся, так что все это, как минимум, предвзятая точка зрения. Выдуманная человеком в своих собственных интересах херня. Что-то такое, что позволяет нам чувствовать себя важными. "Жизнь священна". Сразу чувствуешь себя важным.
А вот я спрошу: если все мертвое было живым и все живое умрет, - где тут святость? Что-то я не понимаю. Даже те, кто верит в святость жизни, на практике делают другое. Мы убиваем мух и комаров - потому что это гады; львов и тигров - это азарт! кур и свиней - жрать охота; фазанов и куропаток - это азарт и жрать охота! Ну, и людей - потому что они гады. И азарт!
А вы заметили, что святость жизни почему-то не распространяется на раковые клетки? Редко встретишь лозунг "Спасем опухоль!" или "Поддержим меланому!" Вирусы, плесень, грибок, сорняки, бактерии, мандавошки. В них мы почему-то ничего святого не видим. Так что в лучшем случае святость жизни - штука избирательная. Мы выбираем, какие формы жизни священны, а остальных убиваем. Неплохо мы устроились, да? Как же нам так свезло, спросите вы? Да мы же сами все это выдумали!

Part of "class clown" was being an imitator as you've probably noticed but I used to imitate the priests...which was right on the verge of blasphemy, y'know. I could do them all rather well. I did Father Byrne the best. Father Byrne was the, uh, one who used to celebrate the children's Mass. I always thought that was great - 'celebrate Mass' "Yeaaah! Yeah, man!" Father Byrne did the children's Mass; did the sermon every week. He used to do parables about "Dusty and Buddy". Dusty was a Catholic...and Buddy.....was not. And Buddy was always trying to talk Dusty into having a hot dog on Friday. I could, uh, I could do Father Byrne so well that I often wanted to do him in confession, y'know. I wanted to get into Father Byrne's confessional one Saturday maybe a half hour before he showed up and get in there and hear a few confessions, y'know. Because I knew according to my faith and religion that if anyone came in there and really thought I was Father Byrne and really wanted to be forgiven...and perform the penance I had assigned...they would have been forgiven, man!

'Cause that's what they taught us; it's what's in your mind that counts; your intentions, that's how we'll judge you. What you want to do. Mortal sin had to be a grievous offense, sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. Ya had'ta WANNA! In fact, WANNA was a sin all by itself. "Thou Shalt Not WANNA". If you woke up in the morning and said, "I'm going down to 42nd street and commit a mortal sin!" Save your car fare; you did it, man! Absolutely!
It was a sin for you to wanna feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin for you to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to feel her up. It was a sin to try to feel her up and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins in one feel, man!

But confession had another..there was another aspect of confession for me. Our neighborhood was right between Columbia University and Harlem. Juilliard School of Music, Grant's Tomb. Uh, two seminaries- Jewish Theological and Union Theological Seminary. I said Harlem was there and then to the north...a Puerto Rican and Cuban section and as Puerto Ricans began to move into our neighborhood, the diocese, in this rare display of tokenism in the early Fifties sent one Spanish priest...Father Rivera...to hear Spanish confessions. And all the Irish guys that were heavily into puberty... would go to confession to Father Rivera. 'Cause he didn't seem to understand the sins, y'know...or at least he didn't take them personally, you know. It wasn't an affront to him. There was no big theological harangue; he didn't chew you out. He was known as a "light penance". In and out, three "Hail, Mary's", you're back on the street with Father Rivera, man. You could see the line move; that's how fast he was working. But he wasn't ready for the way Irish boys were confessing at that time and that place...

('3rd generation' Irish accent) "Uh, bless me, Father, for I have sinned...Uh, I touched myself in an impure manner. I was impure, impurity and impureness. Thought, word indeed. Body, touch, impure, sex, dirty. Impure legs, impureness. Touch, impure dirty body, sex, rub and covet; heavy on the covet, Father, uh.." (Rivera:) "That's OK, man! Tres Ave Marias!"...You'd be home in five minutes, you know?