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Hi! Thank you for purchasing the audiobook of “How To Ruin Your Life” for fun and profit as read by the author, Neil Hilborn.
So, you wanna be unhappy? You probably think you need to be in pain to be an interesting person and artist, and you’re right! People who “care” about you will tell you you don’t need to suffer to be important. But just remember–musicians are always most popular the day after they die.
So, are you ready to matter to someone?
Step One: Hate yourself. You are, presumably, a human being between between the ages of alive and dead. So chances are you’re already there. Congratulations!
Step Two: Fall in love. People will tell you that this takes years. Well we have a secret method that will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week! The trick is; you must be completely unable to tell the difference between love and co-dependence.
Step Three: Fall in love. With someone else. At the same time. People will tell you that it is impossible, given the love already inside you, but they don’t know you. Your heart is limitless. Your heart is a well. It goes all the way down. You can fit everyone in there. But remember to lie about it! Love can’t exist with knowledge of other love.
Step Four: At this point you may be doubting your decision to totally fúck up your life. So ask yourself: would you rather be happy or interesting? Would you rather be on the news or just watching it? Happy people don’t make history. Happy people make children, then die.
Step Five: Self-diagnose yourself a mental disorder that makes you aloof and impossible to contact. If someone accuses you of being a bad friend, lover, or child, accuse them of being insensitive.

And when your fourth love leaves you
You will want to kill yourself, but you won’t
Because you no longer think of suicide
As a house you will build on day.
Your fourth love, who is your first real love,
Who brought you peace when your whole body was a gun.
When she leaves you, ask your roommate to hide the knives
Because you will carve her name into all of the food in your fridge.