- 47 fights
vk.com/flatsounds
"you called me just now
i want to know what your dream was about
and if i was made a man
you looked at me and said
i’m not ready for bed
and if we could kill ourselves?
- 47 fights pt 2
tonight - will be like last night
if it wasn’t we wouldn’t be here
you said - i’d rather be dead
than live with regret / then you killed me
you left me a note that said
i wish we had just gone to bed
instead we broke the rules
- a morning spent thinking of a life without you
tonight i walked through a field that used to scare me
more than i scared myself
and thought of the last time that i felt hopeless
sixteen in my fathers car wondering how
an artificial light could make me feel so empty
and if it looked as dull pouring from street lights
as it did shining from my tiny arms
on days when the world was too loud
- a small list of things that i normally would hide
I'll sit and pretend
I know someone at an intimate depth
it only makes me feel like shit in the end
because you're only as good as the people you consider your friends
so watch an aching past surface, and now i'm half certain
that everyone who associates with me's a bad person
because everyone who associates with me is as worthless
- be yourself
You can't ever look past the way that you yourself felt
Talk to yourself, well, that's the meaning of self help
And don't beat yourself up in the pursuit of self happiness
Because half the battle's asking passionately just what "happy" is
Take some time off to self reflect and self measure
Sometimes you need to be self centered to understand yourself better
I'm feeling self possessed without the selfishness of self obsession
- chamomile
Great, isn't it great
To be held like your sister's baby
Hate, you said you hate
When I just lay there like an empty body
But I don't listen and I don't care
I don't like it, so get me out of here
I don't listen and I don't care
- counting sheep
"summer time was not a lie
but just a feeling that we got
and i know you feel alone, too
but this heat is not for us
i know i wanted to go
into the valley where it snows
but i realized, this place is too cold to live my life
- cross on my mind
i used to take the bus to the ocean
to the spot you said to meet
i walked past everyone i didn't want to see
and with the sun at its departure
and your body close to me
every word was spoken nervously
i know you never really liked people
i didn't mean to make that worse
- destroy you
forty seven pictures in the text
to remind me of the ones inside my head
simple plan for complicated friends
i promise that i will be fine in the end
but i think it would destroy you
i think it would destroy you
wouldn't it?
- equals
i just want to be equals, be equals, be equals without all the feeble attempts to hurt you because that’s not what i want but if you needed some space you should have told me the only thing you told was butterflies and hold me when it’s cold to anyone who’s willing to be warm reacclimate to someone who is better than i was but i don’t want to think of what he does no i don’t want to think of what he does jesus christ, i don’t want to think before i die i don’t want to be the one sacrificed for what you did and oh my god, the doors are closing quicker than i thought with fear that i’ll become the person that you are we were just kids roll call in a home room then class we didn’t go to because we’re leaving after lunch to anywhere that we could sit alone and talk i only wish that we had known when we were young that sometimes people want to die and that’s alright but is it alright to spend these six whole months that i thought i was fine and i know you did everything to just keep me alive and i know, i know there’s nothing left for you here i want to be equals, be equals, be equals i just never imagined a future without you and i guess that’s my fault
- everything we saw that day and how you made me feel
I use to walk from school to meet you
At the coffee shop and drink two
Cups of joe, then bum a smoke off anyone
And I'd play for you some songs I wrote
Most were about being alone
And how sad I got, my troubled thoughts and giving up
Before I knew what troubled was
- fan letters
you’ll be alright once you take the pills
yeah you’ll be just fine once you’re not yourself
and i’m so offended that i don’t know what to say
i’m poppin’ in your tape, oh nick lachey
what perfect hair
oh pendleton ward, i’m not the one you thought of
when you were drawing your heart out
- fault lines
is it you who calls the shots
of what you want
does it hurt when he sees you
like his eyes are made of fire
he's not allowed to be near you
so why are you the one who hides
i don't have to pretend
- fighting a losing war
Will you write another sad sad song
While sitting up at night when you can't sleep?
I know it's obnoxious and it's useless
To fight a war you're losing
Between what could
And shouldn't be
This might be your only chance
- friends
i make my way through a crowded mall
just to meet you when you called
well this is it, it’s over now, you don’t have to wait
or pretend that he’s just your friend
today i played my genesis
and fed my cats…and that’s it
then i sighed and realized that this was life
- i can't be here anymore
you said i can't be here anymore
i can't be around all these people
who all my life have tried to change me
if they could rearrange these
thoughts that drive me crazy
and i can't hide who i am
it's just so hard to be around everyone
- I don't know why
Stare at my reflection
And hope it comes alive
I think that I can see you in my eyes
Terrible intentions from beneath an open sky
Now I'm too scared to be here in the night
It's a harmful life i apologize
- i exist i exist i exist
Baby please, it's the way you speak
Forming words so easily
And I think of the way you think
It keeps me from falling asleep
In that grave I call a bed
'Til you called me up and said
"I haven't stopped crying
- i love you, i need you, i miss you
since you’ve been gone
i’ve stayed up until dawn
just sitting and growing a beard
but i’ll shave it off
and start again
so i’ll look the same
as when you left
- i was happier with you
i used to go to sleep before the sun came up
but lately i've been thinking about us
and it's just hard, it's just hard, it's just been difficult
to be out on your own with no goals laid out in front of you
something tells me that i was happier when you
told me what to do
i used to take the bus to go anywhere
- i've been thinking about you
there was an old women who said her goodbyes
by gathering everyone she knew and telling them her lies
“i wasn’t faithful to my husband, i lied to my friends
but in the end i was thinking about you”
when my mom had my brother she was no older than me
so why’s it so hard to imagine a family
where i’m the one in charge, and not just a kid
- if this has to be goodbye
vk.com/flatsounds
well if it seems stupid
you know that you’re on your way
to something much better
forgetting the moments that i’d say
i need you, i can feel it in my heart
and i know that i hate change
- if we could just pretend
where did you go, and what did you do,
with all that time you were too scared to move?
what is it like to be by yourself for three and half years.
for roughly three and a half years.
if we could just pretend that i went to college, and that's why you haven't seen me.
i wanted to go, but not for this long. i overdid it. i overdid it.
why did you say that i was one in a million? because i believed it. i thought i had
something that you were too scared to lose.
- if you love me, come clean
can always pick up books
in the search of what I need
but that doesn’t help me any
if you’re impossible to read
so if you love me, if you love me
come clean
these monsters in my closet
- in the absence of everything, i promise to keep you warm
days dedicated to the thought of being through
and i just want to lay in bed with you
and admit that i'm so tired of everything i do
but with you - it was new
and i can't stop thinking of the moon
or the nights i saw your breath in the room
so draw a line within the snow
- invisible
i am tired and uninspired
i am used batteries
i am talent-less and stale
im a book thats been read and now sits on the shelf
im a broken guitar string
i am useless
i am invisible
- irreparable pieces
Here’s a song I did a good while ago for a Jeune Été Records cassette release.
I’ve never been a huge fan of it, but some of you are, so here you go
irreparable pieces
remember when you promised
that you would never leave me
that your heart would never stop shining the light that kept me warm during the winter
and whole when it was summer
- it feels like i'm underwater
do you find it so much harder than me
to sit and watch me get eaten alive
by the thoughts that wake me in my sleep
on the nights that i feel everything
but i swear that i’m well aware
how i take curses and make them prayers
we’ll pretend that i wasn’t scared if you want to
i swear that i’m well aware
- it's thursday, january 12th and this is the last time i'll talk about drowning
phone in my pocket, what a wonderful day
thinking of something that I should say
but I can't hold you responsible anymore
I don't know what I'm thinking
I'm lost now in the thrill of it
but I'm not giving up until I am free
because that's where I'm supposed to be
- it's thursday, may 19th and i miss you
"when you were a child on the farm
you saw him pin her by the weight of his arms
so she left in the night when you were in bed
and took your trust when she left
you're already hurt
im scared that if you put
- lately i've been feeling tired of everyone i know
it's cold
and lately i've been feeling tired
of everyone i know
and i'm positive that's it obvious
that every time i'm out i want to go home
and every time i'm home i feel so alone
i can't expect to sit and wait around to die
- learning to hate you as a self defense mechanism
you're on the phone
with someone who doesn't know
about your soul and how it
can't be held by flesh and bone
and i guess that's fine
i would never want you to
stop your life
but when i saw you both
- live up
sunshine came through every corner, peeking through the shades
it doesn’t have to fade, no nothing has to change
so i can go to sleep, finally
and i, i know nothing about the past
all i know is that it’s passed
so i can’t blame you for that
and you, you’re sleeping in my bed
- losing the interest and trust i had in you
the night time painted circles on your eyes
the ones that scream that nothing is alright
and you promised me
we'd get some sleep
if you came inside
but you're too scared
to fall asleep tonight
- macie lightfoot, i'm broken
macie, macie - put your lightest foot in front of you
with you hand on my belt i did what you were gonna do
and this is the night i realize i’m broken
it makes me feel good, makes me feel pretty
so spit in my mouth and call me baby
take a step outside, put your feet on the ground
said if you left now he wont hear a sound
- meow meow meow meow meow
last night you had that dream again, the one where you try and run from your fears but you can’t because you’re wearing fabulous stilettos. if i were the boss of you i’d make you get out of my head for good, but i’m not so when this ship sinks i’ll have the comfort of knowing i wasn’t in charge. i don't want to write a song, i want to write a will in which you get nothing from me. all i am is a kid in my mothers closet looking for an excuse to say “this doesn’t hurt, at least not anymore”. then hatred, the kind of hatred that makes a father call his own son a faggot. i wish you were dead.
there was a light in my closet, i could have sworn the sun was rising.
there was a light in my chest. don’t leave me, noah. we had a promise.
you told me the universe could help me if i just let it. i told you i made a map of our old house leading to the X on my stomach, when you cut me open you’ll find a note that says, “this is where i hurt”. i found a new way to talk to god.
you told me i was brutally murdered in a past life.
- My heart goes bum bum bum
you said take the violin that you hang on your wall
stick it under your bed before it crumbles and falls
just dont open your eyes before counting to ten
i can hardly remember, just the smell of your hands
as they danced on my body, running over my pores
with the force of steering wheel crushing my bones
i said you smell like the devil but you feel like the lord
and when i think of perfection you know i’m thinking of your
- nothing good comes from being gone
did you escape from the feelings that you wanted to replace, with anything you thought could fill the space? i hope you found the quietness you want, because nothing good comes from being gone. so keep your eyes on anything, as long as it makes you happy. do you feel like a big girl? do you feel like a big girl now? now that you’re out in the big world and i still can’t leave the house. because the starting line is atop a mountain that i can’t climb with these broken arms. i liked you, but more than anything i wanted to be like you. with the strength inside to make it to the top, because nothing good comes from being gone. i’m willing to admit it’s all my fault. i will trade all of my pride for what i’ve lost. i don’t want to lose this battle with my thoughts. nothing good comes from being gone.
- old lumina
you stand so still- you stand so still like
the pillar- the pillar you stand behind
and i have no limbs, i’m just a head in your lap
i can’t believe i let it get this bad
because all i want to do is play Sega
and touch my girlfriend in her old Lumina
i can tell by the way you talk you know everything
- saturday dec 14 2013
it’s been exactly one year since i wrote that first poem about you. i sat in bed and started thinking about what happened at sandy hook, and how fragile life is, and how much i wanted you in mine. when you read it you said you teared up and couldn’t believe whatever this was we found in each other. you called it indescribable.
i lied in the same spot a year later with you beside me - emotionless. thinking about how i watched you change with every season. how spring turned into summer turned into autumn turned into winter. how the purity of something new became as hot as the persistent day as it rests too heavily on tired flowers, and how when that tiredness wins, they die like everything else.
i could feel my chest collapsing that night i sat in the stairway and read every word you had written to someone else while you were gone. how you teared up when you read the words he wrote to you, and how you couldn’t believe what you found. you even called it indescribable. now i can’t stop thinking about what those words might have been and how they compare to mine, i can’t sleep because i need to know what you found and if it feels anything like what i lost.
i’m sorry if i’m so stuck in this. it’s just before you came along i spent four years with someone who would watch me watch the world but couldn’t hold my hand and see what i saw. someone who loved me so much but couldn’t understand how a human soul could mimic the seasons, or how a person can be fine for so long but wake up one morning wanting to die all over again. so when that feeling rises over the mountains all i ask of the world is that they greet it differently than pagans when they worship the sun.
i am old soil /
mixed with the compulsion to describe what used to grow here. to describe the indescribable sensation of life in a dying field. as if remembering the smell of your blossoms is the only thing keeping me alive.
- simple as snow
Get through the day to the other side
To another night and when you run away
Do you close your eyes and pretend to fly
Is it just me or are you ready to go
It's ugly and old i'm taking you home
Trust me I think you're ready to go
You're trembling cold like never before
- sleep
I lose control of my heart
I can’t keep up without losing my breath
it’s been this way from the start, I need rest
I'll go to sleep at a decent time
when I find something worth waking up for
the days are long when I keep checking my phone
to see you haven’t called at all
- someone who will talk about anything
there are people who i trust
and there are people who trust me
and i don't know why
they're choosing to confide
in someone who will talk about anything
there are people who i miss
there are people miss me
- summer or spring
ever since you were born you were
cold as the snow you were
so scared to melt you avoided the warmth
that your family had gave in the
same flowing breath that they
said I love you to death
do you live for the summer or spring?
- the act of holding on and letting go
You can't stand in my doorway for long
It's eleven o'clock, he's expecting you home
I'll walk you up the hill to your car
Because you parked in the dark in our favorite spot
And I'll collapse to my knees and beg you
"Please, honey bee"
And said no, don't let go, don't let this die
- the balance of being held
you came back to a place
where nothing feels the same
now that we both made a mistake
but honey you came back
you came back from everything
we wanted to end
but everything you wanted
- the cowardly lion doesn't write love songs
it's turning on the tv when we were fourteen
you said, "my moms asleep, we won't get caught.
what do you want to watch?"
and i could hear the traffic that i know you're ignoring
but i let it into my life to thicken to air i breathe
it was at the bus stop that a woman cried
and i could tell she was different by the look in her eyes
- the night you drifted passed
vk.com/flatsounds
the night you drifted passed (demo)
the kitchen light is on, i can hear anita talk
she’s on the phone with someone you love
you said she won’t come in, press your nose against the pen
and breathe until you’re numb
- the one who gave up
hi - i know i promised that we'd talk more
it's just i - i'm surprised you even want to talk at all
well you can refer to me as the one who still calls nervously
because i'm so scared that you still think
i'm the one who gave up
when i wasn't the only one who'd given up
and the plans we made we never mistakes
- the product of an angel
take the length that we’d traveled
and compare it to the length we haven’t traveled yet
i took my life out of context
and moved it to the front of a cameras lens
so i could see things more clearly than i did
and the picture was astounding
but when i did, you weren’t around me
because the image was bright, full of things that i like
- the repetitive nature of everyday life
it wasn’t a mistake - so please dont think it was
i know because i didn’t have a lot to drink
i just needed a bit for confidence
no, they wont find out
no one cares enough about
it to run their mouths
we can go upstairs for tea
- these old clothes
It's time to open your eyes
A new day's arrived where you could be mine
Instead, you live inside my head
That is where you rest
That is where you rest
And these old clothes are not who you were
So you cut your hair to let us know
- they ll like me when i m sick
Start from the beginning...
Hi, my name is Mitchell Welling
I am nineteen years old
I am a musician
Would you like to hear a song?
Hi, my name is none of your concern
- they'll like me when i'm sick
hi, my name is none of your concern
just listen and judge me for what you think i’m worth
and you said i like the way your fingers play the chords
i like the way you make me feel at home
i heard you’re at it again
i just called to say i never left
and good luck, good luck, good luck i heard you needed some
- thinking of you
Set it off go ahead and set it off
Like a timebomb or something we can't stop
I just wake up like I'm supposed to
It's been six months
Since I got to hold you
I just want to chase the money
Buy a big house out of nothing
- Tire Marks
you and i
on a stranded patch of mountainside
where my wolves come out and howl at night
on that endless hunt for sacrifice
but then you take my hand like you want to go
there are parts of me you can't know
you can take my hand but you have to go
alone
- to see you alive
you can't be by yourself
you can't be by yourself
they kept you in the dark
in a room with nothing sharp
until you were well
you told me that you were so
scared of what they know
but love isn't afraid
- uninspired noise
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
- waking up to the big drill pad
vk.com/flatsounds
"no, go away
please, its not as easy to
forget how you punched her in the mouth
and you ask why she goes away
and doesn't call you dad out loud
until she's crushed by your embrace
- we'll live
well i’m huntin’ down the rabbit holes i saw out by the lake
you told me they grow farther from the water when it rains
i met a man who promised everyone that he had changed
but there he was by the river with a rock attached to his waist
if it rains the crops will grow twice as big
if it doesn’t rain we’ll live
with an apple in my mouth i bit off more than i can chew
- we're fighting again
we’re fighting again
we’re fighting again, more than usual
try and pretend that this is normal
but it isn’t right, the damage that we do to your body
all those scratches on your little arms are spelling
“i’m sorry about being me. a skinny less perfect oprah winfrey”
i’ll sleep on the couch, just say when
- when we met.
i'm sorry for the time you spent waiting
for something that i knew i couldn't do
watch me bury my secrets
in a hole designed for me to fall into
i don't remember where we are
but i don't think it's very far
build a house and pick your favorite color
- you are the coffin
I am doing just fine, thank you
I know how much you like to keep in touch
So you can talk about it
And you said, who was that, who were you talking to?
Is that the reason you're too scared to go downtown
And talk about it?
- you had a panic attack in my bathroom
you used to come up for air through a sea of other people, just hoping they don’t notice that you are leaving again. you’re leaving again. and you can’t believe it’s true, there are people like you – with the same hearts, and the same marks on our bodies. did everything feel beautiful when you let go of the idea of being anything at all? and you can’t believe it’s true, there are people like you. when i held you in my bathroom – i felt new.
- you hurt me bad
Every day I think about you
And why you had to turn into
My enemy, when all I need's my friend
But the one who used to spend the night
And fall asleep before I
Ever had a chance to tell you how
How I felt
- you said okay
it all started with closed eyes
and a feeling in my gut telling me
i need to keep them shut the whole time
because they opened even for a second and i saw your lips
they’d suck me in like black holes when they bend light
and it was then i realized you were not my world
you were my universe
- you wanted to look for help, i wanted to sit and wait to be rescued
there are reasons that i can't stay
i counted them all myself
but i will always keep awake
searching for how it felt
because all i want is to find myself in anyone
and i wonder if it'll ever come
as easy as us giving up
- you were a home
you can love again, despite the things you said about caring too much for a person you thought was the most important part of your life, but that's what you get for opening a closed door in hopes they'll find love on the inside.
i'm a house with no windows, you're the flowers on the front porch, and i can't stop
sometimes it scares me how much i think about going for a walk and never coming home, and how willing i am to leave everything i have and everyone i know
and you said i think your eyes could use some sleep
and i said i like your arms the way they are
- You Were A Home That I Wanted To Grow Up In
you can love again, despite the things you said about caring too much for a person you thought was the most important part of your life. but, that’s what you get for opening a closed door in hopes they’ll find love on the inside. i’m a house with no windows, you’re the flowers on the front porch and i can’t stop. but, sometimes it scares me how much i think about going for a walk and never coming home, and how willing i am to leave everything i have and everyone i know. and you said, “i think your eyes could use some sleep”. and i said, “i like your arms the way they are
- you wrote 'don't forget' on your arm
you said you were done, well how done?
because you wrote 'don't forget'
on your arm when you were drunk
and i got mad at the fact
that you had to remind yourself at all
i got mad when i shouldn't have
it's just that i got so scared
that you had already forgot
- your fathers car
vk.com/flatsounds
"there you are, no there you are
i thought i saw you at the park
but i am not allowed
to come you, to come to you
no matter how much i want to